Dear beautiful friend,

Many people have a list – some big, some small, some rational, some not – of things we are afraid of. My list includes:

• Climbing out of an airplane.
• Coming in last.
• Being left alone.
• Losing my child.
• Never being happy again.

Some of our fears like to trick us while some are harder to let go off. Many people would think that sky diving is the scariest thing a person could ever do; at the time it was for me, but I was determined to overcome it. I spent thirty years promising myself that I was going to climb out of a plane myself, not strapped to anyone, and when I did, I found it extremely empowering. Once I was willing to take the leap, I discovered that I’m capable of doing anything. The key is to be prepared. “If ye are prepared ye shall not fear.”

When I think about it, I wasn’t really afraid of coming in last, rather it was the fear of not finishing at all. When it came to running my first marathon, I learned that it was cool to say that I came in 316 out of 316 finishers. With a speech title like, “From a mile to a marathon in 10 months!” Who wouldn’t be impressed with that?

Being left alone was a fear that I experienced a few times in my life. First, when I was left alone in the emergency waiting room as the paramedics wheeled my mom and sister into the ER, then 10 days later, I was afraid that I’d never have someone to make me laugh again when we buried my sister, and later my mom. Twenty years later, my first husband left me, and once again I felt alone, a single mom with three children under the age of 5. Both types of loneliness were hard, but it taught me a strong sense of independence, giving me a “I can do anything” attitude. If only I had known then how to ask for help and that there are a lot of resources out there if you know enough to look for them.

I imagine, like me, every parent fears losing their child. When it came down to it, the greatest lesson I learned was in the surrendering. I finally realized that what I wanted more than anything, was whatever was best for my child. In knowing and trusting my Heavenly Father, knowing he was saying to her, “Little girl, you don’t need to stay in that world anymore. You can come home now.” He knew what was best for my precious little girl. Now I am grateful for the greater perspective that it has given me.

As for never being happy again, from that grief that felt like it will never end, I learned that grief is an expression of love. We only grieve for those we love dearly. Every time a wave of grief would wash over me, I began to recognize it as a wave of love, reminding me how much I love my daughter. I can bathe in that love and no longer fear it. Slowly over time, the waves became less intense. Because I wasn’t fighting those waves anymore, they became easier to ride. On top of the waves, it became easier to see the sunlight again.

I’m sure there are many things out there to fear, like lions, tigers and bears. What I can tell you is that living on the other side of my fears has brought me the greatest lessons in life, lessons of hope, strength and courage.

I hope you are able to learn those lessons too.

Laura Lane